Month: November 2000

Here we(Sunita, Me, Zubin, Girish & Rashmi) are at Woking after a busy day.. Went to the “peacock” shopping center.. Really A Huge Shopping Mall.. and the Christmas decoration were wonderful. Watched Malayalam movie “Kusrutikurup” and then “Toystory 2” and now “Mission Kashmir”(A bit boring.. else why would I choose to update journal instead of watching the movie..)

Well here is what is happening.. I am coming out from the shackles of my old attachment.. successfully.. I wondered myself how simple it was.. I am deeply into the book “The Fountainhead”. I dont want to rate the book.. but as per my current rating.. an excellent book that I have come accross.. Brilliantly written. I am still halfway through only..

Well I will start with a synopsis of the upto now. Friday night, picked up Zubin & Girish, went to their home., had the first petrol fill..
Called up Sunita, planned to go to woking on Saturday morning.. Had clothes to wash, went home.. started washing around 11.45pm and buried myself again in “The Fountainhead”, till the clothes were washed.. and then went to bed with the book, after putting my clothes to dry.. I remember the house owner switching off the light in the morning, when I was lying half awake.. Got into the car in the morning.. went to Zubin’s place, picked up Girish, Zubin and Rashmi and drove off to Woking!!! Woking here I come..

Hey., I really feel happy today.. feel like dancing and singing(I hope, not the right thing to do at office). In the afternoon went to Uxbridge, Got the lift with Gurjinder..(My petrol is running low.. should be filling the tank up tomorrow) Did the remittance at the bank, went to M&S to get food, and found sandwiches of all range.. Geek.. I miss a Indian take-away at Uxbridge.. Went to tescos.. huge queue at the counters.. didnt buy as I will miss the bus. Got the bus.. back at office..

I had called up Rashmi earlier today and we are planning a trip to woking.. Maybe we all will be going to woking this weekend.. Received mail from Mani.. He wants me to get married soon as then he can marry.. . Dey Mani.. you will have to wait.. I havent thought about my marriage yet.. I have just come out of a Quantum soup now.. Dont push me to another… A great day so far..

Its horribly cold today morning.. Even Inside the car., I know I have the controls to make the interior warm., But I dont know which one is it.. I could see my breathing, as whenever I breathed out, it was like a white fog suddenly descending., Sat in the Car for a looong time finding the controls… Any way finally found it.. and had a good drive to office.. I am going for longer drives soon… Today I must have touched around 70mph on the A40. Still those on the right hand lane were flying past me… Gimme time guyz.. Let me learn all this.. For the moment, I will stay in the slow lane only..

Yesterday night.. Confusion… Yeah.. the exorcising bit.. I am getting really confused.. I ran away from confusion and buried myself into “The Fountainhead”. Howard Roark, Peter Keating, Dominique Francon, Guy Francon, Heyer(he’s dead), Toohey, Cameron(he’s dead too)., all have become part of my night life.. I go to sleep with them..

Its wonderful, the way that Ayn Rand has potrayed her characters in “The Fountainhead”. I will be back with Roark, Dominique, Peter etc tonight…

awake

“Tree dosent weep for the fallen leaves.,
It knows, that its a sign of the coming new leaves”

Gee.. I feel really light today after a heavy day at work!! I had called up Vaishali for her Birthday., and found that it was two days earlier!!!(I am late by two days) Oh Boy.. what a memory(mine)… She is as sweet as she was.. I feel proud having her as one of my close friends… We talked about so many things.. She was really sad to find me cribbing about my longstading love affair (Affair???!! not the correct word) with Radhika. She really felt that I should move on.. and she was really sad finding me a bit down.. Vaishali.. I dont know if ever you will read this.. But I have a birthday present to you.. I am stopping this.. No more cribbing.. Radhika was in my life.. Now she isnt.. I wont be clinging anymore.. I have set those emotions free.. Yes you were right, I should have forgot about the whole thing long time back.. But I was clinging on to it in a pathetic manner.. I have started exorcising, my old Love affair.. (well by now it has certainly become onesided.. hee hee) Today the sun of wisdom dawned… A Person can love others, but expecting something is selfish!! My exorcism has begun in full swing.. Who knows.., maybe I am changing.. Thanks a lot..

Happy Birthday again..

A Beginning of a great day.. (I will try to be poetic.. because I feel poetic.. But I dont think it will classify as a poem)

Got up at 6.00 (I never stop surprising myself)., after all the necessary morning functions, I made food and got out from home at 7.00, into my CAR!! I played the cassette of the songs in “Swami Vivekananda” Movie.. good songs.. The roads were not crowded and I decided to go via Primary Road, I have started enjoying my drives. The sun was still considering, whether to appear or not., as it was a bit dark bluish sky. I really did enjoy my drive.. I was humming the songs along with the Cassette!!(Hey!! I am a god hummer atleast, if not singer). Got into office by 7.30(hey I want to drive more through the Primary Road and the Motorway) I will drive more during the weekend..

Yesterday evening, I went to londis(its a shop,10 minutes walk from house), but in my Car.. Got a new Telephone Card.. I have to Call up Vaishali today.. (its her BIRTHDAY!!!!) I Really am blessed to have some friends, who have touched my life deeply.. She’s is really nice and to be honest, she would’ve been a good life partner for me..(she’s Married and Loves her family) But I am in love with someone, who dosent have any interest in me anymore(Geezz.. Life is Interesting!!!)

Any way.. a Wonderful Morning.. a Great day..

optimistic

Captianls log: Earth Date 22/11/2000

Let me use a bit of startrek language.. My Shields are down.. There was an attack by a lovelion subsystem, which was floating on the space. It was purely accidental and the attack was not intentional. It may take some time to bring up the shields.. Enterprise has become vulnerable.. the core plasma which provides the energy source is out of order.. Captian of the ship is in emotional trauma and he has to report to the sickbay.(This captain is Useless)., Identification of the Lovelion subsystem, says that it originated from a ally vessel, which was once part of the Enterprise., but it detached itself and went for exploration on its own., crippling the Enterprise..

Enough of that.. I have realized that I am really a vulnerable person.. I can change., but the question is do I want to..

I realized yesterday that journaling ones life does not do justice to his life fully, I wonder if I can record a millionth of the thoughts which flash through me and that will take up thousands of pages.. Well in this case.. bytes. So many emotions, feelings, blank thoughts, thoughts without emotions attached to them, dreams, all whizz through the mind.. but Some remain, either to prod you on or to torment..

There are many ways one can change oneself
to become the epitome of perfection.,
But the question is,
Does one want to change oneself?!!

A couple of sentences, which I read today & which I thought about had made the difference… I am back into Gloom!!!! I think I’m Doomed..!!! How simple it has become for me to upset myself!!!